Talk ain't cheap

During BE Camp I taught a 90 minute lesson on communication skills. As I’ve mentioned before, I am a strong believer in direct communication. Rwandan culture disagrees with me. Nevertheless, I prevail.

Girls from my community who came to Camp GLOW

I began each lesson (students rotated through four lessons each day, so I taught the same lesson to four different groups of thirteen students) with the telephone game. I whispered something silly into the ear of the boy next to me, who repeated it to the boy next to him, and so on until the last student said aloud what he heard. “The elephant wears purple shoes” turned into “I love you”. Obviously, good communication is important!

Next, I instructed each student to draw one picture of themselves with power, and one without power. When volunteers came forward to explain their drawings and talk about how each position made them feel, I was overwhelmed by the answers, so indicative of Rwandan culture. Almost every student drew a picture of a man in a suit, often with a briefcase, a nice house, and a car. “When you have power, you have money, and all things are possible.” Nearly all the students who shared their interpretations of no power had drawn themselves as farmers, with a hoe in hand and dirty clothes. “When you are poor you have no power.”

I then asked the students if they behaved and spoke differently to people with power. The question received overwhelming affirmative answers. To drive the point home, I asked: “What would you do if a primary school student took your ball away? What would you say to him to get it back?” “We would beat him!” was the most common answer. “Now, imagine the headmaster took your ball away, what would you do to get it back? What would you say?” Most of the students agreed they wouldn’t even bother asking for it.

Together, the students made a long list of behaviors that were aggressive and another of behaviors that were passive. Aggressive behaviors can hurt the person you are talking to, and passive behaviors can hurt yourself. How can we communicate without hurting?

Defining assertive was tricky for several reasons. The lesson was conducted mostly in Kinyarwanda. During the training of trainers, my Rwandan co-facilitator listed many words in Kinyarwanda that he interpreted as assertive, given my English explanation. Several of the words he suggested had connotations I knew were in fact negative. As I’ve mentioned before, in Rwandan to have good culture often involves shutting up. (For example, even in professional settings, many professional Rwandans will whisper when talking to a superior, because traditionally it is considered a sign of disrespect to speak or otherwise act in a way that is equal to your superior.) However, through careful and lengthy explanations we got the point across and agreed on culturally appropriate and effective ways to assert ourselves. My new favorite Kinyarwanda word: kumvicana, to understand each other.

Making clay cell phones during arts & crafts

I was very pleased with the students’ participation and the list of assertive actions they came up with. The most telling part of the lesson, of course, was the final application section in which students acted out scenarios. In one class, I started by taking a pen from a student. Thierry, one of the brightest and most engaged students, looked confused.

“I took your pen Thierry, what are you going to do?” I asked.

Bashfully, he responded, “It’s ok, I have another pen.”

Well, ok, we’ve identified passive behavior. “Let’s try again, Thierry. Come forward. I took your pen! How can you ask for it back? What can you say?”

“Okay, teacher” he came forward reluctantly. “If you have taken my pen… I guess I will come to you and tell you that you are my friend, and up until now we have had no problems. I can tell you that I am your friend, and you can always talk to me and ask me for advice if you have problems“.

The passive format was all too similar to so many of the conversations I hear in Rwanda, which lead to so many of the conflicts I witness, and why I believe so strongly that teaching assertive communication is absolutely essential. So again, the class reviewed characteristics of assertive behavior and communication. 

“Let’s try again, Thierry. I took your pen, ask for it back assertively.”

“Hi Alma, can I please have my pen back?”

“Yes, Thierry, you can!”